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(Annie and Ella are the greatest.) I’m tired of saying goodbye. Maybe this time I really am. (And as a completely irrelevant aside, I’m grateful that all the friends I’ve made throughout my life are still with me today and that I still find them as beautiful as ever.) –All original content in this post is by(c)BluHarmony with all rights reserved. So unbearably bright, The flame in your heart, Without much to say, –All original content in this post is by(c)BluHarmony with all rights reserved. Life is unfair. So we try to make up for that fact by inventing all sorts of fairy tales — life after death, forgiveness for the repentant, heaven for those who lived a good life (whatever that means; I suppose I’ll rant about politics and religion soon enough). Poppycock. Who would want to live after death? Death is easy (provided it’s painless), at least for the person doing the dying. For friends and family, it’s much harder to bear. The final ending of any worthwhile relationship is probably the most painful emotional experience we must live through as humans. Death is as final as it gets, and it touches us all. Sometimes death comes as pure relief, for instance, when a person’s life has reached such a state that the quality of life has completely disintegrated. And sometimes death falls like a cruel surprise on a life overflowing with potential and joy. There is no rhyme or reason; there is no human-like or just god looking over us. Life isn’t fair. But we are all equal in death. –All original content in this post is by(c)BluHarmony with all rights reserved. I am guilty of so many things. As I examine my life, I find more and more reasons for shame, embarrassment, and guilt. Letting go of the past is easier said than done; it comes back to haunt you when you least expect it — it pops up in conversations with old acquaintances, government records, relationships, and your own callous memory. The past can stop you from going where you want to go, when you want to go there. Things that you’ve long forgotten are filed away somewhere, and can be located at a completely unexpected moment. Maybe you went too far when you told someone something; maybe you said something to the wrong person. Maybe you’ve done something that you should have never done. Maybe you filled out the wrong form, the wrong way. Anyway, much as you might want bits and pieces of the past to vanish; they’re still there, coloring your life, your personality, and affecting who you are and who you want to be. And even if you’re not keeping track, our society is. (And, if you think about it, given the care many workers give their jobs, this is a scary thing indeed.) You too, my friend, are “guilty.” You’re guilty of everything you’ve done in your past that didn’t comport with your own values or with our society’s expectations. Of course, you should forgive yourself and move on — that is the only wise thing to do. I know that I forgive you, no matter who you are or what you’ve done. But will society? That remains an open question. Do you care? Probably. People who say they don’t care about what society thinks are being dishonest with themselves. Even in rejecting society’s values, they are seeking reaction or retribution. And most of the time, these very same people follow society’s rules despite themselves. The rebellion is an act. We are still the proverbial lemmings following the path to that very same cliff. So even if your clothes are tattered and torn, and your hair is bright blue, you’re still affected by our society — you’re simply expressing it in a different way. But most importantly, if you’re reading this, you’re guilty of finding what you believe to be me. You have not found me yet; I am not here. –All original content in this post is by(c)BluHarmony with all rights reserved. The Las — There She Goes Tempting, fleeting, compelling, beckoning, A woman is not an object that can be possessed, Friendship and lust are the fuel for confusion, –All original content in this post is by(c)BluHarmony with all rights reserved. (Sometimes a very simple melody combined with poignant lyrics that almost everyone can understand is all that’s needed to create a beautiful song. Hats off to the one and only John Lennon.) How do you know the road to take when you don’t know where you’re going? Well, you don’t ever know for sure. Like Alice in Wonderland, you see something that captures your fancy and follow it wherever the path may lead. Or maybe something pushes you in a particular direction. Regardless, there you are until you seek a new road to travel, or until life throws an unexpected obstacle in your way. How do you know what it is you’re feeling? You don’t. Feelings change from day to day; yet you must eventually make certain commitments and stand by them. You must do this because life is absolutely worthless without people who care about you to share it with. Then again, this is a choice — if a largely solitary existence is your preference, you must commit to it and find peace and satisfaction in that decision. How do you know how to give love if you’ve never received it? Well, I can’t answer that question — any absence of love in my life has been solely because I’ve rejected it so many times. And in general, for someone with so little family, I’ve experienced love in abundance. So maybe it is difficult to give love if you don’t know what it is, and if you’ve never felt its comforting arms wrapped around you on a sleepless night. But I doubt it. You give love because it is instinctively human to do so, and instinctively human to want love returned. But beware — don’t confuse love with obsession; unrequited love is not love at all, it is an illusion, a dream, and a longing for something that cannot exist. Falling into the obsession trap seems to be a result of low self-esteem, fear of loss, and fear of pain. Yet, ironically, it’s exactly the way to exacerbate these emotions. Remember, love must be mutual, and love must be returned. Otherwise you’re not in it, you’re just on the outside peeking in. In this life, we don’t always get what we deserve. Hard work isn’t always rewarded, innocent lives are cruelly cut short, windfalls of good fortune shower those who seem least worthy — and yet, to the extent possible, we always have the ability to exert some control over our personal journeys. So love freely, live bravely, and share yourself with those in need. You may not always receive the same in kind, but experiencing life is always better than standing in the cold looking into someone else’s cozy window. If you want warmth, you must provide it in return. If you want peace, you must be peaceful. If you don’t want to be controlled, you shouldn’t be controlling. And if you want to receive, you must be able to give, and give in the right way. Sure, there are exceptions to every rule — just as there are lottery winners in every lottery. But the law of probability being what it is, you won’t be the exception, and you won’t win the lottery. Or maybe you will, in which case this post doesn’t really apply to you. Finally, don’t listen to me, I’m certainly no expert on life — I’m just a lost soul walking the planet, looking for answers, and trying to have the best time I possibly can in the process. –All original content in this post is by(c)BluHarmony with all rights reserved. The Pretenders cover Radiohead’s Creep. Hasn’t everyone felt this way at times? Perhaps if you haven’t, you haven’t looked at yourself closely enough. We’re all damaged in one way or another, and no one is to blame. While personal responsibility looms in the background, it’s difficult to deny that we are creatures of circumstance, and both our genes and our environment determine how we grow up, how we live, and who are when we depart this wicked earth. But most importantly, no one is better than anyone else. In this country, we’re so focused on fame and money, that the things I truly respect seem to get lost in all the glitter — critical thinking, kindness, tolerance, understanding, and compassion. Granted, as I’ve said before, we have little control over our innate intelligence, but we do have some control over the education we obtain and the way we use it. And education doesn’t necessarily need to come from an expensive college — it can come from books, curiosity, and careful observation of the world around us. –All original content in this post is by(c)BluHarmony with all rights reserved. This is a cover of a Lightning Seeds tune. Just to keep the record straight: In order for people to read your blog, you have to write in it, but lately I’ve been inexcusably remiss. The reason is I’m working three contract jobs — one full-time (with occasional breaks), plus two others. The amount of work is unpredictable, so I never know what to expect, though I’ve gone for 24 hours without many breaks for quite a few days. Also, some of the work has to be done on the computer, which always pulls me in the direction of facebook and myspace. (For those who haven’t noticed, I write a few notes in the myspace blog as well.) So here is an entry that says absolutely nothing other than that I’ve been too busy to write. –All original content in this post is by(c)BluHarmony with all rights reserved. Once. Once I had a best friend. We met by chance, just because I wanted to know who sang this song, and he knew the answer. It’s Vicious Pink, by the way. They sang background vocals on Soft Cell’s hit album in the 80s. And that is how it all began. We started talking and we just couldn’t stop. We talked about everything and nothing. We argued and then made up. Every waking moment, everything I did, I shared with him. He listened patiently even when I was self-centered and self-obsessed. For ever so many years, we never ran out of things to say. We talked all night and didn’t notice. He could make me laugh when I was down, and he could make me angry when he acted like he no longer cared about the world around us. We could lose ourselves in complete silliness and revel in laughter for hours. And we could fight. But in the end, we always understood each other. I could always see how just a few more wounds, a few more blows, and I would be exactly like him. Yet I wanted him to change, to be something different. Unfortunately, that never happened. Maybe because I pushed too hard, or maybe because I didn’t allow it. Maybe because it would have never happened no matter what I did. And, in the end, I gave up. A collision of unfortunate circumstances in my life made me realize how much I needed a partner who could truly support me when I was fighting against the world. And he couldn’t do that for me because, perhaps, he couldn’t yet do that for himself. Nine years had passed. How much longer could I wait? In my life, I have pushed away so many people who have loved me that it has become almost instinctual. And I ended up doing it again. To this day, I am ashamed of my behavior; it was inexcusable, unforgivable, and unforgettably ugly. But even after that, at my worst moments, he stood by me, still. It’s all over now, but I will never forget the wonderful, talented, beautiful person that he is. Perhaps if I were stronger, I could have helped him realize his limitless potential. Yet I was weak. I wandered and strayed, and I wrapped myself in silly fantasies and illusions, looking for a knight in shining armor to solve all my problems for me. But that’s not how life works. In healthy relationships, support is always a two-way street. Anyway, I think that when you truly love someone, the love never dies. I do not believe that real love turns to hate. I don’t believe it ever fades completely. It’s always somewhere in the back of your mind, even as you move on with your life and find love elsewhere. I know that I will never forget the sound of his voice, the way he looked at me, and the wonderful times we had together. I will never forget the way he understood what no one else ever could. I hope he knows how much I love him, and that even though life takes us in different directions, my love and friendship will always remain. –All original content in this post is by(c)BluHarmony with all rights reserved. One day, we all must die, but for now, we can be heroes — just for one day. The words below were written by a friend of mine, Ryan Gagne — a very talented and charming man. Memento Mori My candle has been lit Memento Mori By Ryan Gagne. All copyrights to the words above belong solely to Ryan Gagne, and to no one else. –All original content in this post is by(c)BluHarmony with all rights reserved. |
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